Here's the first draft for the as yet untitled animation (I think Germ Warfare is a bit too goofy, especially keeping the tone in mind)
I think the plot structure is pretty much there, but I think I'm being a bit too vague when it comes to actual information. The problem I face is wedging in the information in a way that feels natural to the story. I think the only way I can do this is through the narration. So I will work on that, but I thought I'd share my progress so far. I think I'm hitting the right emotional beats here though, So I think it's purely just a case of getting the information in there.
One other idea I've had is to make sure the actual names of the antibiotics come up when we first see them.
Anyway, back to work!
You know how they run down everyone's names on Dad's Army as they stalk through the woods?
ReplyDeleteDo that.
I don't, have you perchance got a link?
DeleteHi Joe, my gut is this is too long. I think you could cut to the chase much more so by having the narration tells us that all the other 'soldiers' are dead already; you can have a series of tableaux flashbacks (just drawings even?) of their demise, and the narration expressing the dawning realisation that the bacteria is evolving. I don't think you need the plane, for example - have you thought really about the animation burden of some of the scenes you describe - a plane being uncovered etc? I think you've got a bit too much ww1 in here too - it's a metaphor remember, so careful it doesn't cross the line so people think it's 'about' ww1 when it's not. I think you need to look again at your script and think in terms of creative economies...
ReplyDeleteHey Phil,
DeleteI think my logic with this was to write the story without trying to curtail myself too much, then scale things back as and when I need to. But I certainly did find myself looking at this thinking "I don't think it'll fit into 3 minutes".
I like the idea of being snappier with the soldiers demise. I can explore that further.
So less shooty and more stoic with the ending?